Rejection hurts. When we are rejected we tend to question our self-worth. It can leave us questioning our skills, importance, and usefulness. If rejection leaves you feeling worthless, you may have a fear of rejection and need help improving your self-esteem to combat it. It is possible to overcome this fear and reach the other side with a renewed and higher level of self-esteem. So how do we start? How do we overcome our fear of rejection?
1. Reject Shame
Fear of rejection comes down to a fear of shame. Shame exists to stop us doing stupid, anti-social things. However, too much of it will flatten you. The problem is that shame can start showing up for any and all occasions. But, you don’t have to let it rule your actions. Shame can be awful. It’s understandable how awful it can be. Yet, it’s never fatal. It’s controlling and it’s heavy handed, but it’s nothing you can’t deal with. It’s a really human emotion and we’ve all experienced it before. We’ll all experience it again. Some of us many times before the week is out. Don’t let it be the demon in the dark. See it, feel it, and let it in. The more you can acknowledge it and recognize it for what it is, the less control it will have over you.
2. Catch Yourself
You’ll always be able to think of more reasons not to take a chance than reasons to go for it. There’s a reason for that. Humans are wired for survival. This means we tend to be risk averse. This pulls our focus more towards what we have to lose than what we have to gain. Whatever you focus on is what will become important. Catch yourself fixing on the potential for rejection and gently remind yourself what you have to gain. When it comes to the things that light you up, it’s never a numbers game. All the reasons not to take the chance just don’t matter, because the only one that matters is this: That risk you’re about to take might be the thing that takes you somewhere extraordinary.
3. Take a Chance
The right things will always find you, but sometimes you have to fight for them. Someone or something is waiting for you. Exactly you. Take the chance, because this might be it. If it’s not, know that you’re a step closer to what you’re looking for and what’s looking for you. Keep going until you find it and know that whatever risks you take and whatever rejections you go through. None of it will matter when you find what you’re looking for, which you will.
4. Stop Focusing on Fears
Is it more important that you stay safe or more important that you have a go? How will your life be different if you get what you want? What will happen if you get rejected? Who will care? How important is that to you? What would it be like to give up right now and make the decision to stay safe? What will you miss out on? Understand the full consequences of your decisions and remember that not making a decision is still making a decision. You spend so much time on the consequences of not getting what you want. Fears are often faceless. They feel bad but lack substance and are often related to feelings and thoughts that are left over from long ago. Tease them into the sunlight so you can have a good look at them. Then you can decide what to do with them.
5. Don’t Give Up
When deciding whether or not to take a risk, we spend our time between what it would be like to get what we want and what it would be like to be rejected. But, it’s all speculation. What we don’t do is feel what it would be like not to take the chance at all. The force to move comes from fully experiencing what ‘is’. Decide not to take the risk. Decide to let go of what you want and spend some time fully experiencing what that’s like for you. Walk away, turn your back, and feel it. Really feel it. It’s very likely that if something is really important to you, deciding to walk away without fighting for it will feel really bad. So bad that you’ll be motivated to take the chance. Because as bad as rejection might feel, giving up on something you really want will feel worse.
6. Don’t Wait
We turn so much of life into a waiting game. Waiting for the right time, the right day, the right moment, the right feeling, the right ‘one’. These are all the excuses we call on to feel better about not taking the chance that might lead to the very thing we want. Waiting breathes life into fear. It’s one moment. Don’t make it bigger than that. Because if that one moment doesn’t go as planned, you’ll be fine. You really will. Because it’s one moment of so many more to come. When it comes to the things that ignite you, there are risks that will always be worth taking. The risk you might miss out by waiting too long isn’t one of them.
7. Thoughts, Feelings, Action
What we do is driven by three things: thoughts, feelings, and action. The mistake we make is letting thoughts and feelings rule our actions. The feeling is fear, and it’s a big one. Yet, so is courage. That sense of feeling stuck comes when thoughts are allowed to build up fear more than courage. Thoughts are sly and make feelings bigger than some of them deserve to be. Behavior is often driven automatically by thoughts and feelings. However, it doesn’t have to be. The key to doing something differently is to be more deliberate. Separate thoughts, feelings, and actions. See them for what they are. Then make more conscious decisions. You can think scared, feel scared, and act brave. Sometimes it’s good to let your heart lead the way. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.
8. Take the Risk
Rejection is part of life. The only way to avoid it is to live half-heartedly and you’re meant for better than that. Risk always comes with the potential for happiness and the potential for heartache intertwined. This is why it’s called a risk. When you open yourself up to reward, you’re also opening yourself up to rejection. Even so, to shut down the risk of rejection is also to shut down the possibility of reward. Rejection won’t break you, but regret has a way of changing you forever.
9. Embrace a New Beginning
What if we don’t view rejection as an ending, but rather a beginning. The beginning of something new. A new path, a new career, a new city, a new chance to love and be loved right back. With rejection comes new opportunities that you couldn’t have seen coming. Take the chance. You’ll either end up with what you want or one step closer to it. Part of finding out what’s right for you is finding out what isn’t and the only way to know that is by checking it out. Sometimes you have to move towards things so if nothing else, they’ll move out of the way and free up the space for the right things to find their way to you.
10. Follow What You Preach
What would your advice be to someone you love? You’d probably tell them to “go for it,” “you’ve got this,” or “rejection won’t break you.” It’s very possible that the advice you would give to someone else is different than the advice you would give to yourself. Why? Because when it’s someone else, you’re free from the bad feelings that come with rejection. Here’s what you need to remember: the pain of rejection is just a feeling. It’s not a life sentence and it’s not a defect. It’s your brain doing what sad brains do for a while. Like all feelings it will come, and then it will leave you alone. It’s easy to help other people to fly because you can see the reward and the rejection for what it is. The chance of temporary pain for the chance of something wonderful. You deserve the same wisdom.
11. Inner Messages
If the fear of rejection is holding you back, where are the messages coming from? We’re all a messy wonderland of “should’s” and “should not’s”. Usually, they’re the messages we took on while we were growing up – from schools, parents, and experiences. They become the automatic drivers of behavior. Check your messages around risk and rejection and whether those messages still work for you or whether they stifle you. When messages become automatic, they prescribe behavior across all situations, rather than selectively. You’re in a different environment now, with new wisdom and new truths.
If the old ones are holding you back, shine a light on them and show them the door. Staying safe might have worked really well for you once, but maybe not so much anymore, not in every situation anyway. Your memories of not succeeding might be loaded with shame and awful feelings. If you’re with different people and in a different environment, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Rather than living by the old, automatic, unexamined messages about what you ‘should’ do and who you ‘should’ be, find them and see if they’re still relevant. Do they help you or do they get in your way? If they’re not serving you well, get rid of them.
12. Talk About it
Rejection almost always gives you a good story to tell. Own it. It’s yours and use it to bring the best of you into full view and the positive, funny, brave, resilient parts of you that might otherwise stay hidden. Playing it safe will keep us safe. However, it won’t do much more than that. Life happens in the deep water, with the waves, the chaos, and the unknown. It’s the deep breath in, the brave step forward, and the boldness to live life like you own it that actually makes a life. It’s the stuff of passion, ignition, courage, and full living. The biggest threat to getting what you want is your decision to stay safe. Be proud of your brave, fierce, and open heart. Listen to it. It will take you to where you need to be.
Is a fear of rejection holding you back?