As you’re well aware by now, your relationship with your ex does not end just because you’re not living together anymore. In fact, some of the stresses you may have experienced during your marriage, especially conflicts over parenting styles and beliefs, can be exacerbated when you separate. However, your divorce is an opportunity to achieve greater clarity about what you can and can’t control, and to let go of the latter in a way that will improve the quality of your life.
Co-parenting with your ex may be a challenge, especially if you’re the primary parent. It may be even more challenging if you’ve lost custody and feel that you’re being shut out of your children’s lives. But kids need both of their parents. And most importantly, they need to know that both parents love them. Whether you are the primary caretaker or have limited contact, make sure your children know that their relationship with you is secure and you will be there for them. Here are some concrete tips for working toward a productive and reasonably harmonious co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Respect Each Other
Bring respect to your co-parenting relationship. It’s harmful to your children to hear one parent talk bad about or assign names to the other parent. Don’t think that the kids are not listening while you complain about your ex to your best friend on the telephone. If you must express your frustration, do it when you know the kids are nowhere to be found. Better still, try not to do it at all. Every minute you spend putting down your ex-spouse is a minute wasted. Instead focus on how to be a better parent yourself, the positives of the situation, or something you enjoy. Keeping negative thinking out of your daily life will improve it.
Don’t Be Too Critical
Children are primed to learn from the world around them. They gather information from the people they encounter and love. A child will take experiences and integrate them into their sense of self. If you want your child to see your values as credible, strong, and important, don’t boldly criticize the values of your ex-partner. This is crucial in helping your child become an independent thinker. If you openly criticize the ideas and values of the other parent, you are setting yourself up to be the mean and unfair parent. Your ex-spouse will always be a part of your child, even if he/she grows to disagree with their values. If you are openly negative or critical, your child may even become more connected to the values of the other parent in opposition.
Write Down Rules
Think about the rules and values of your new home. Encourage the other parent to do the same. If you don’t currently have open communication, creating a list of what’s important to you about parenting or your values can be a helpful reminder of how to work with your children. Plus, when both parties are ready to talk, you are better prepared for the discussion with your previous partner and develop a parenting plan.
Create a Support Network
After your divorce it is normal to feel emotions of sadness, anger, and loss. Reach out! Join a support group, form a network, find a Facebook page, start blogging, open up at work, reach out to old friends, or make an attempt to find new friends! This can be very difficult for newly divorced people. Perhaps it’s a matter of first taking some space for yourself to regroup. Rely on others if you need to. If you think it will be helpful, start with a trained professional who can provide you with the right resources. This can be a therapist or a mediator such as a friend. Remember, don’t rely on a child for emotional support. Keep adult level emotional events and activities in the adult realm.
Choose Your Communication Style
Defining the right communication tool is an effective starting point. Create boundaries if you need them. Is email the only way you wish to be reached about the finer details of parenting? Are phone calls reserved for emergencies or instrumental forms of parenting? For example, would you prefer to be on call if your son’s mom cannot pick him up from school on time? Or would you prefer that to be someone else in her network of support? Keep checking in about the style and amount of communication you wish to have with his mom or dad. Keep in mind. This communication style might look very different in the beginning than after the initial adjustment period.
Connect with In-Laws
This can be difficult, especially if you do not have a close relationship with your in-laws already. Define the boundaries you’d like to have for both sides and ask them how they’d like to help. If any of these family members play a large role in your child’s life, it’s important to stay connected. Children who are close to other family sometimes find it easier to open up to them about this difficult time. Allow your children this space and try to maintain a working relationship with invested family members.
Professional Help
Even if you only spend five to ten hours with a therapist or mediator, this intervention can be very helpful. Divorced parents often go to a therapist when their child has been exhibiting signs and symptoms of unhealthy co-parenting for several years. However, it’s never too early to get some input from a trained professional. If you are not financially able or are unsure of the therapeutic process, it still helps to get some feedback from different professionals throughout your children’s lives. Many professionals are open to changing their pricing for short term interventions or have sliding scales. They are also equipped to provide you with community resources. Do your research and if you feel like the therapist or mediator is not a fit for you, you can always walk away!
Maintain Schedules
Many successful co-parents have created schedules for when one another will look after the children. Make sure your children know that they cannot escape to one household to leave another. Unless a household is unsafe, your child should not be able to make the adult level decision to leave the household of a parent. Sometimes children are making this decision to hurt the other parent or to escape age appropriate rules or tasks. If a child is upset in the moment and reaches out to you, it’s appropriate to talk to them and comfort them, but it may not be appropriate to go get them. This is something that should be discussed with your child’s parent at a later time. Don’t be reactive to a child’s emotional response to a punishment for behavior before knowing the details. Check it out with the other parent or anyone else in the household that might have more information.
Having trouble co-parenting with your ex?