Perfectionism is often deeply rooted in anxiety and lack of self-acceptance. The need to feel that your every action is perfect leads to constant feelings of failure. After all, who among us is perfect? In addition, perfectionism can also lead to giving up, not trying new activities, or not learning new skills for fear of failure. Some perfectionists would rather not try something new to avoid truly accepting their flaws. The anxiety that surrounds perfectionism can be debilitating to some. Therefore, sufferers might experience panic attacks, irritability, and depression. Their efforts to be perfect are a means to control the anxiety that results from failure. It can be very challenging for a perfectionist to face their limitations. Perfectionism often causes conflicts in surrounding relationships.
Signs of Perfectionism
When one person is easily affected by failure and has unrealistic standards for themselves, these expectations often spread to those around them. For anyone who is married to a perfectionist, think about the areas of conflict between you and your partner. Do you feel criticized often? Does your partner express disappointment in you regularly? Is your partner somewhat controlling over areas of your life? Do they not trust you to accomplish tasks to their standards? These can be signs of perfectionism. Remember, perfectionism is fueled by fear of failure. If your partner doesn’t think you can complete a task perfectly, it increases their anxiety.
You may argue with your partner about letting you do things your way or just give up control to avoid conflict together. Neither of these strategies are best for either of you long term. Your partner may be exhausted and overwhelmed by all the tasks before them. As a result, you may become resentful of their behavior. On the other hand, those who challenge the perfectionism might find the conflict increasing over time with no resolution in sight. This may seem like a no-win situation for those going through it. Think of what can be done to work through the perfectionism in the individual and as a couple.
How to Reduce Conflict Related to Perfectionism
Identify the problem
We can’t fix a problem if we don’t know what it is. If this article resonates with you, chances are that perfectionism is affecting your relationship. If you suspect that your partner is struggling with perfectionism, bring it up in a compassionate manner. The more you know about the issue at hand, the easier it will be to figure out the next step.
Counseling
The perfectionist in the relationship needs to learn to manage their anxiety and to increase their self-confidence. Working with a licensed professional is invaluable in improving the challenges that are present. Marital counseling is often a good idea if both partners are unsure about how to change the previous dynamic in their relationship that the perfectionism caused. An outside, professional perspective is very helpful and often necessary to make sure that both partners can meet each other’s needs.
Focus on the Positive
While being married to a perfectionist spouse is often difficult, don’t forget to look at the bright side. Chances are your partner uses their perfectionism to accomplish things you are proud of. Some examples are being an in-demand public speaker or keeping the family car clean and polished. In fact, “good” perfectionism can be associated with less depression, higher achievement, and greater life satisfaction. When you can focus on the positive aspects of this personality trait, it is easier to overlook the times they make the family late to dinner at a friend’s because they had to iron their shirt.
Communicate
As in all aspects of marriage, honest and clear communication can be the difference between a strong marriage and a struggling one. As difficult as it may be to open up, it is important that both partners feel heard and validated. Good communication is essential. It builds understanding, compassion, and respect. Make sure to schedule time for regular communication. Have a weekly “appointment” to talk after the kids go to bed can ensure that a hectic schedule doesn’t stand in the way of good communication.
Set Boundaries
For the partner that is married to a perfectionist, it is important for you to hold on to your beliefs and standards. You may need individual counseling to learn this skill. When your partner is overly critical, gently remind them of where their anxiety ends and your beliefs begin. Compromise is a wonderful tool in marriage. However, sticking to your guns can be as well. Working through perfectionism in a marriage is undoubtedly hard work. When both partners focus on making the relationship work, they can emerge from their challenges with a stronger and healthier marriage than they ever could have expected.
Give Feedback
Your partner may not be aware that their behavior makes them difficult to live with. Sit down and work out compromises. An example may be having the furniture cleaned to satisfy her perfectionistic urges without making you a victim of them. Keep your marriage open to the idea that you influence one another to grow together will put your marriage on a path to equality. Gradually, you’ll move into a place of acceptance, while your spouse begins to feel more secure.
Focus on Your Self-Esteem
While your perfectionist spouse may be uncomfortable going out in public without makeup or a perfectly ironed shirt, you’re just fine with throwing on a T-shirt and jeans and heading to the store 10 minutes after jumping out of bed. If your spouse nags you or belittles you because of what they perceive as slovenly habits, you may need to work on building your self-esteem. Additionally, surround yourself with friends who affirm your worth. This helps to increase your confidence so you can smile and continue on your way without feeling the urge to argue or becoming depressed.
Struggling to live with a perfectionist?