Before a married couple starts browsing the internet for an attorney, many couples will make an attempt at marital counseling. Couples commonly make this last-ditch effort to determine if the marriage is salvageable. However, it frequently seems as though one spouse enters the therapist’s office with more enthusiasm than the other. Many couples may now benefit from a relatively new approach to counseling, which is generally popular among couples who have already made the decision to pursue a divorce. This type of therapy is known as divorce counseling.
Divorce counseling can help you make significant improvements in your relationship as you move forward with your divorce. Is divorce therapy right for you? And what exactly is it? In the following sections, find some answers about this new approach.
Symptoms of Divorce
Many people can successfully navigate divorce on their own, despite the pain and uncertainty they feel. For others, divorce can be crippling. Overcoming the feelings of sadness and loss can seem insurmountable. As with any major life change, divorce can affect all aspects of your life, from your emotional wellbeing to your physical health. When the pain of divorce becomes too much to handle on your own, seeking divorce counseling is an important step in self-care.
If there are children involved, your emotional health is an important part of being able to support your children through the pain they will face. When you take care of yourself, you will be better able to take care of others. If you’re unsure about whether divorce counseling is right for you or if you need the support of a therapist as you go through your divorce, there are a variety of warning signs that indicate that you may need professional help. These symptoms may range from mild to severe. While each person is different, these are some of the common signs that you should consider seeking divorce therapy:
- Trouble sleeping
- Self-loathing or feeling like a disappointment
- Feeling unworthy of love or happiness
- Dramatic weight loss or weight gain
- Social isolation
- Loss of interest in activities that you used to enjoy
- Uncontrollable anger
- Increasing feelings of depression
- Thoughts of suicide or death
- Anxiety or excessive worry that interferes with your ability to perform everyday activities
Emotional Stages of Divorce
Divorce is a loss, much like death. When a person is grieving a loss they move through several stages as part of their mourning process. Divorce follows a similar pattern, although it has its own unique phases. To help you to prepare for your impending divorce or to navigate a divorce that has already taken place, a divorce counselor will walk you through these emotional stages of divorce to give you an understanding that what you’re feeling is normal and natural when a marriage ends. The emotional stages of divorce are:
- Denial: In the denial phase, you will attempt to carry on with life as normal, trying to ignore the fact that you are going through a divorce. People in the denial phase refuse to acknowledge what is happening and your attempt to ignore the situation is a way of dealing with the shock or numbness you may feel.
- Pain and Uncertainty: As denial wears off and reality begins to set in, you will feel pain and sadness as you mourn the loss of your marriage. If you weren’t the one who initiated the divorce, you may feel hurt and rejected. The uncertainty of the future can bring up feelings of fear and anxiety.
- Anger: In the anger stage, you want to assign blame. It feels good to get angry and transfer your negative emotions to someone else. Your anger may be directed at your ex, but you can also feel it towards other family members and even your children. While no one person is to blame for the end of a marriage, you are justified in these feelings. They are a natural part of the divorce process. Anger becomes problematic when you can’t control it. Uncontrolled anger could cause you to lash out at your children. In this case, professional help from a divorce counselor can assist you in working through and managing your anger more constructively. You may also experience the anger of your ex or your children towards you.
- Bargaining: In the bargaining phase, you are anxious to correct past mistakes in an attempt to get back what you once had. This stage is characterized by regret and a desire to change your behaviors so that you can have another chance. Bargaining is another way of dealing with the pain you feel.
- Guilt: Guilt occurs as you turn the blame for your divorce towards yourself. You will think back to all the mistakes you made and wish that you had done things differently. You may believe that if you had tried harder or been a better person, your marriage would still be intact.
- Depression: Feeling depressed is a normal progression as you move through the stages of divorce. In this step, you may feel sluggish, have difficulty getting out of bed, lose your appetite or start overeating, and you may lose motivation to do anything. You may feel fatigued even though you are over-sleeping and you might find yourself becoming irritable with those around you. These symptoms of depression are natural as you work your way through a divorce. Natural as they are, they can become problematic if they increase in severity and they persist. If you find yourself stuck in the depression stage, speak to your divorce counselor so they can help guide you through your emotions and can recommend that you see your doctor for medication if necessary.
- Acceptance: In the final stage of divorce, you will come to accept what has happened and come to terms with the fact that your marriage has ended. You may still feel sad and mourn the loss, but you will feel more at peace and ready to move on. Although starting a new life can be intimidating and overwhelming, you will approach it with strength and resilience instead of regret, anger, and blame.
Who Can Benefit from Divorce Counseling?
Divorce counseling can certainly be helpful for everyone, but certain types of couples may find more benefits from this service than others. These couples need more help working on their communication skills and strategies, in order to turn an amicable divorce into a reality. This type of counseling could be most advantageous in these five situations:
1) Couples who are attempting to live in the marital home together during their separation
There are many reasons why couples attempt to live together during their separation, but saving money tends to be at the top of the list. Sharing living expenses definitely helps save money. However, this situation can be extremely challenging if you cannot communicate well with each other.
If you must learn to temporarily share the space, then you will need to set ground rules for your new relationship. These rules can include basic things like defining the ways that you will handle daily household responsibilities and guests. Divorce counseling can give you the framework you need to work through some of these daily issues with an objective third party. More importantly, it can give you the communication skills you need to keep fine-tuning your new living situation until it pleases both parties. This counseling should be considered an essential service, which will help you manage a situation that could be extremely challenging.
2) Couples with children
Parents know just how influential their own behavior can be on their children. To set a good example for the kids and reduce their stress levels, they must learn to have great communication skills. If you constantly bicker and fight in front of your children, you could provoke serious anxiety and negative responses from your child. Of course, having good communication skills can also help you arrange practical matters, such as weekend visitations and holiday visits. When you sign up for divorce counseling, you and your spouse need to prioritize amicable communication in front of your children. You should work on this skill before you move onto anything else. Remember to talk with your divorce therapist about incorporating your children into some of the sessions. It might be a great idea to openly discuss your new family dynamics with everyone involved.
3) Couples who spend more time arguing than having productive conversations
By the time you file for divorce, you may not have much left to say to your spouse. Many couples are so busy arguing over the details of their settlement that they do not have any time left for productive conversations. Divorce counseling could give you the communication skills you need to have meaningful discussions and actually accomplish things. When you are able to openly and appropriately communicate with one another, it can help you save money on mediation costs and attorney’s fees. If you can come to a resolution sooner, it could also lead to a faster divorce.
4) Couples who want an inexpensive divorce via mediation
The key to successful mediation is great communication between you and your spouse. Because divorce counseling can help you implement better strategies, you will be able to more openly and effectively communicate during negotiations. In fact, you may even be able to work out many of the details on your own, without the help of a professional mediator. With divorce counseling in place, an objective third party can intervene if the debate becomes overly heated.
5) Couples who do not both believe in the divorce
Sometimes, a divorce is initiated by one spouse, even though the other does not believe that the split is truly necessary. In this scenario, divorce counseling is essential because it can help set ground rules to avoid blame games, arguments, and debates about the viability of the marriage. Therapy can set the stage for more productive conversations, which are relevant as you move into the divorce process.
Struggling with your divorce?