Here we are. The children have all left home. You and your spouse are finally alone after two decades as parents. Now what? How do you cope? What lies in store for the two of you?
These are questions faced by millions of married couples worldwide each and every year. If you are lucky, it is something you will have to deal with some day. You get married, your children are born, they grow up, and they leave home. Nothing unusual about all that. But the truth is, it is a significant event in the lives of married couples with children around the world. No matter where you live on planet Earth, married couples with children will eventually have to deal with the empty nest.
With an empty nest often comes the vivid realization that you also have an empty marriage. Tending to family tends to take the immediate attention off of your relationship. In fact, it is easy to sort of co-exist with your partner when you are amidst the hustle and bustle of raising a family. Long periods of time without sex, without intimacy, and without communication can simply be written off as part of the price you pay for having children. But in the long run, the ties that connected the two of you together become broken and difficult to reconnect.
So, how do you deal with it? When your children leave home, how does that affect your marriage? What are the potential pitfalls? What good comes of all this? What are the negative and positive impacts? We understand this. Having your children leave home is a scary situation to be in. It is painful. It hurts! The good news is that you are not alone! Read some of our tips below for improving your marriage after an empty nest.
1. Communicate
Having the kids leave is a huge change, and feeling sad or even depressed is normal. It’s easy to turn those sad feelings into accusations and fights. Instead, vow to turn inward toward each other and talk about your feelings. Support each other. It may take one spouse months to adjust. Others will adjust sooner. Be patient. Sit down at the table and honestly tell your partner about your feelings. Let them know that both of you have focused entirely on the kids and now being left alone feels weird! It is very beneficial to be clear and honest about your feelings. It will benefit you in the long run and working this marriage out will result in team work. It is not beneficial to leave all the feelings unheard and let them burst in a negative way one day. This could negatively affect your marriage and make it seem like you are not happy with your partner.
2. Reconnect
So much of our relationships while we have kids is spent taking care of the kids, talking about the kids, and so on. It’s hard to break out of that cycle and it requires conscious work! Spend 15-20 minutes every day talking about topics that DON’T include work, chores, or the kids. Each of you can come to dinner with an interesting article you’ve read or just pick a random topic and go! Reconnect with the fun, intellectually stimulating person you married. If you decide to go on a vacation, do not call your kids 24/7 on the phone to check up on them. Instead, focus on the present with your partner. Focus on having a great time and talk about those great times you had in the past. Talk about great memories when you were dating your partner.
3. Show your Love
Reincorporating everyday physical gestures here and there can help stir up those loving feelings again. Start small with a gentle brush of the arm, a pat on the back, holding hands, or just putting your hand on top of his. Cuddle up with each other on the couch as you watch TV instead of sitting in separate chairs looking at your phones. Every gesture counts.
The skin is the largest organ on our body and physical touch is an important human need. Thirty-second hugs work wonders. It really brings you closer together. Before you know it, those little touches will translate to a deepened emotional connection. When you or your spouse leaves for work, give them a kiss on the cheek and say “I love you.” You may have forgotten to do these things when you were too busy with raising your kids. However, doing these sweet little things is a great booster to your love life and it is never late to use these gestures.
4. Focus on Positive
The longer you’re married the more likely you are to pay attention to the negative aspects of your spouse rather than the traits you found adorable when you first met. It is part of human nature. To counteract this tendency toward criticism, you have to change your mindset and look for what is good. It’s not always easy and requires work. Look back at old wedding photos together, reminisce about your first dates, play songs from back in the day, and start bringing those old positive feelings back.
In addition, commit to saying at least two nice things to each other per day. Sometimes, you may have fought about how to raise the children or other topics related to your children. Right now is not the time to go back and remember those things. Right now is the time to focus on the good things and the reason why you married your spouse.
5. Create Memories
Create new experiences together with all that extra time on your hands! Take dance lessons, pasta making lessons, golf lessons, or go wine tasting. Start doing things that are new for both of you and you’ll get some adrenaline flowing, which is shown to build attraction. It’s possible to have a relationship that’s better than ever when the kids are gone. Like anything, it takes commitment, time and energy, and is so worth it. Start easy: have the conversation tonight at dinner about, “How are you feeling after the kids has been gone for a month?” Be honest, gentle, and a great listener. With great communication, you will be one giant step closer to rekindling.
Trouble connecting with your partner after kids?