Toddlers who cling to mom as she’s leaving for work or wail when they’re handed to the babysitter are fairly common. Though their anguish troubles us, we know most of them will grow out of their fear and anxiety of separating from parents as they get older. However, for some children the anxiety persists into the school years. These kids have developed a separation anxiety disorder. Their worries about being apart tend to expand far beyond the moment of separation. When kids with separation anxiety are away from their caregivers they can develop extreme fears that sound melodramatic to the rest of us, but are very real to them. Many parents of kids with separation anxiety are accustomed to getting dozens of worried text messages and phone calls throughout the day while they are at work or their child is at school. Some kids will start to panic when mom or dad doesn’t answer their phone.
How to Reduce Separation Anxiety
Give Advance Warning
When it comes time for you to leave your kid, give her advance warning that a sitter will be arriving or that you’ll be dropping her off. Then keep your goodbye brief. If you act anxious, or keep returning for another hug, she will think there is something to worry about. Avoid sneaking out. This can cause your child to worry that you might disappear without warning, resulting in more clinginess. It can help to develop a very brief ritual for the process. You might say, “mommy will be back to get you after work. I love you.” Then hug your child quickly or give her a butterfly kiss or a high five and leave. By keeping farewells the same each time, you create a familiar transition from being with you to being without you. Another smart move: Ask your sitter or day-care teacher to have an activity ready as soon as you turn your child over. Getting her engaged in a clapping game or a new toy will take her mind off the fact that you’re leaving.
Ease into the Situation
Going to a large gathering can be particularly anxiety-provoking for your toddler, who may be afraid of losing you in a crowd. When you arrive someplace with a lot of unfamiliar (or even familiar) faces, avoid pushing him to interact or run off to play without you. You should wait until your child takes an interest in others. Follow their lead. If your child does let someone else entertain him, don’t wander off and disappear. Be ready to scoop him up if he gets upset; pushing him beyond his limit will make the next group situation more difficult. And don’t stress if you end up having to stay by your toddler’s side the whole time. You’re not crippling him, you’re offering support. This will help him feel comfortable in future social settings.
Keep a Memory
Send your child to school with something that connects her to home and family. This could be a photograph or a favorite toy. Having this reminder close-at-hand can help to calm children down if they become upset or experience a moment of panic during the day.
Volunteer in Your Child’s Classroom
Spending time in your child’s classroom as a volunteer has many advantages. You can learn more about your child’s teachers and the learning styles they apply in the classroom. You can also develop a more meaningful relationship with them. A child who sees her parent interacting in her classroom with her peers will feel safe and welcome in that setting. Children are much more likely to feel secure in an environment that they know their parents are safe and welcomed, too.
Wisely Plan Vacations
As much as we all love vacations, try to plan them so that they’re not ending right as a new school year begins. Coming back from vacations is a stressful time. Plan ahead as much as you can to minimize stress and create a calming environment as the first day of school approaches.
Prepare for Sleep
Leaving your toddler in her room at night or for a nap can stimulate anxiety since these are probably the longest stretches of alone time she regularly experiences. Be sure to establish a relaxing order of events before sleep. For example, give your child a bath, then read a story or sing a song. This will help ease her into the notion that bedtime is coming. Also, turn on some soothing sounds, like a CD of ocean waves. This will make the quiet in her room less obvious in your absence. If your child wakes up from a nap and is happily playing in him or her crib, don’t rush in to get your child in your arms. Let your child have the chance to experience what it feels like to be by herself. Finding that they are comfortable with it will boost their confidence and independence as well as help them feel more secure on their own in the long run.
Teach Your Child about Separation Anxiety
Having engaging and open discussions with children about their anxiety can empower them to take action. Once they have the tools and the understanding, they will be better equipped to deal with it. Allowing them to understand it is okay to have a small bit of anxiety when they are dropped off at school is as important as providing coping mechanisms. For example, anxiety can be likened to a thermostat. When the temperature is too high, it can be turned down. Parents are discouraged to allow children to stay home from school if they display signs of separation anxiety or say they do not want to go. It is good to keep a routine and not spring on new activities or events out of the blue. Experts suggest focusing on the positive, rather than negative possible outcomes. Reward small victories rather than punishing poor behavior, which results from a child’s anxiety, is also encouraged.
Watch Your Expressions
Children can sense when you’re anxious or concerned about something. This is called social referencing, which is the process by which kids pick up emotional and facial cues from their parents. So if you’re worried about something, though you may not verbalize it, your child may pick up on that vibe and become anxious herself. So as anxious or sad as you feel, put on a smile and keep going!
If you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s separation anxiety or are having trouble with your own anxiety, you are not alone. Many parents feel this way and help is out there for you. Gateway 2 Counseling offers convenient and effective help that can help you when you need it most. Feel free to give us a call to start the healing process.
Are you or your child struggling with anxiety?