One of the biggest child disciplinary issues parents have is how to deal with a child who is talking back to them. Back talk can happen at almost any age, starting as early as their first use of “No!” It’s a normal part of child development. Talking back can also be triggered by a variety of causes. It can stem from a child trying to exert control over his own life in regards to what they wear, eat, or do. It could be a child’s way of testing boundaries. Or it could simply be grouchiness from being hungry or tired. That being said, back talk is something parents should take measures and learn skills in order to address these situations effectively and constructively. As parents, it is our job to teach our kids how to express themselves in a respectful and constructive manner. So what can parents do to put a stop to this unacceptable behavior?
Check the Environment
What kind of talk occurs around your child? How much sarcasm, fighting, and inappropriate language are they exposed to? Children model the behavior they see in their parents. Therefore, if you are exhibiting undesirable behavior, your child is sure to repeat it. If you know your home is not the place where your child is picking up these behaviors, pay attention to their other environments, such daycare or a relative’s house. If you notice one of your child’s other environment is the cause of this bad behavior, you may think about adjusting that environment.
Find the Cause
Often when a child talks back, they are really expressing anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Talking back guarantees you will pay attention, therefore, they see negative attention as better than no attention. Talking back and other behavioral issues are more common during times of transition, such as a new baby in the house, a change in a parent’s work schedule, or something going on in school. Your child may feel ignored or abandoned and resort to back talk just to get you to pay attention. However, talking back isn’t always a true expression of your child’s feelings. The reason might be rooted in something unrelated to you. Maybe your son is having problems with a friend in school and taking it out on you because he feels you’re a safe target. Or perhaps he’s stressed about homework and screaming at you to get out of his room. If this happens, remain calm and collected, and ask questions to get to the root of the problem. (“Did something happen today at school?” or “Did you say that because you need some time alone?”) Figuring out the reason behind the snappy comeback can make it easier to understand and resolve the issue.
Set Boundaries and Consequences
Teach kids that talking back is not allowed and give alternatives for what type of communication is allowed. Simply say: “talking that way is not allowed” and provide an example with the appropriate way to say the statement. Remain firm and direct and coordinate these expectations with any other caregivers. Consistency is key to changing behaviors. Give the child an alternative, polite way to use language. The consequences of talking disrespectfully must be understood by a back-talking child. Parents can simply say: “I am not going to talk with you or listen while you have this tone with me. Once you change how you talk with me, then I will be glad to listen.” Parents and caregivers should always follow through with listening and paying attention once the child does change his tone. Determine what these consequences will be — losing certain privileges (video-game sessions, TV time, etc.), getting additional chores, or going to bed earlier. Let your child know ahead of time so he or she won’t be caught by surprise when they are punished. Most importantly, follow through. Being consistent and sticking to the rules is the only way to show you are serious.
Teach Proper Communications Methods
Sometimes, a child really doesn’t know how to properly ask for things or to communicate. In an appropriate setting and time (and not when a child has just challenged an adult with back-talk), calmly explain to your child how to properly communicate. Reward your child’s ability to properly community with positive reinforcement. However, be sure that they understand that simply asking respectfully still does not necessarily mean they will achieve the outcome they are requesting. Praise your child’s good behaviors. You may say “I really like the way you said you asked for two more minutes on the IPad but it is time for dinner.”
Role Play
Many times talking back comes from a child feeling disappointed or angry. Teach your child ways to cope or even voice disappointment or displeasure without talking back. Encourage your child to vocalize frustration and feelings of sadness instead of bottling these feelings up only to later explode with an attitude. Reinforce that inappropriate reactions and behaviors should always be followed by an apology and attempt to again relay the communication in a non-“sassy” tone. Role-play with your child alternative ways to speak in certain situations. Make it fun and silly. Children are more inclined to participate in silly games and will remember the games when it is time to communicate properly.
Time-Out
If you and your child are shouting at each other and a wall is going up between you, either send your child for a time-out or take a time-out for yourself. There’s no real communication going on anyway. Announce “I need a break” or tell your child to “sit there until you can talk with me respectfully.” When you have both calmed down, open with an apology, if called for, to break the ice and break down the wall. Then ask to hear your child’s viewpoint again (sometimes having to repeat her case lessens its importance to the child). Present your viewpoint and arrive at a conclusion together. End with a hug. Your child gets the message that disrespect (from both parties) is counterproductive and unwise.
Praise
Pay extra attention when your child is exhibiting positive behaviors instead of negative ones. When your kid talks and expresses herself in a respectful manner, show your approval. Tell her, “I really like the way you waited your turn to speak” or “you did a really good job explaining yourself without raising your voice.” This will make her feel good and help her realize that mom and dad also notice good things. The best part: She’ll talk back less often!
If you are struggling with communication issues with your child, there is no need for you to continue to struggle. It is always a good idea to hear a new perspective or learn new techniques if the current ones are not working. At Gateway 2 Counseling we are happy to help you learn the best way to communicate with your specific child in mind. We are just a phone call away!
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